Feeling Guilty About "The Wait"
I've been debating whether or not to write a post like this. It feels like I'm complaining about something absolutely wonderful... but it's weighed heavily on my heart since the moment we received our match. So please know—I am so eternally grateful and humbled by how our story happened. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm merely sharing about some unanticipated feelings through our process.
We were a "waiting family" for 25 days.
ONLY 25 days. And while we knew our wait might be shorter since we chose the path of an independent consultant, allowing us to access multiple agencies... we had no idea it'd be THIS short.
Once we were home study approved, we prepared for "the wait." I journaled about my patience, and prayed that I'd learn to continue to surrender timing to God. Wonderful family members and friends sent us sweet gifts to encourage us during the wait, and we continued to plan fundraisers over the course of the next six months. When people would ask us about timing, we just shrugged, and with a smile said we were secretly hoping for a summer baby—which seemed like it'd probably be too soon, but we can hope.
We also wanted to be a little picky with what expectant mothers we presented to. I remember us filling out our preferences and concerns with our agency applications, and at one point overwhelmingly admitted "I think we're being too choosy. We're never going to present our profile!" But then those two expectant mothers arrived in our inbox, and both seemed so absolutely perfect. It gave us hope that just maybe things might go faster than anticipated.
And then 25 days after our home study approval and presenting to our second expectant mother, we matched.
After we excitingly had our call with our birth mom, and she officially chose us, we needed to announce our match. The call to family was easy... the big "We Matched!" post on social media was not. Before making that post, I instantly thought of all of the waiting families I knew. I thought about the vet tech at my dog's veterinary clinic that had been waiting for over a year, the families I was sharing stories with over the internet and on Instagram, the women I knew on round three of IVF—the women I knew still in the trenches of infertility... I thought of all of them. And I felt guilty announcing.
Who are we to have matched so quickly? It's selfish to publicly post this and look as though we're rubbing it in their faces. Were we not picky enough? Should we have had different preferences? Maybe we're going to have a failed placement. In all fairness, we DID have to wait! Wait through three years of infertility, 8 months of the adoption process... but it still wasn't like waiting as a hopeful adoptive family. It wasn't like facing a tenth "no" from expectant parents, or having to renew our home study.
So many thoughts ran through my mind, enough to make me not want to announce one of the happiest things in my life.
But God, once again, brought me back to the root of His timing. This is how it was meant to be. I needed to surrender to this perfect plan, and then unreservedly fall into the blessing that the short wait was, and embrace with joy that our wait was over. I prayed for each of those families that came to mind—all of those families who ache (and possibly still ache) to hold their child in their arms.
Then I released the guilt so that we could celebrate and fully dwell in our story.
I'm humbled that our wait was as short as it was. Every time I post a photo of Emerson, I revisit that small feeling of jealousy and longing that I'd feel when my friends would post photos of their growing bellies and babies. I hate that I might make others feel that way. But I have to accept that it's finally my time, and that their time WILL come. And when it does, I hope they post photos of those smiling babies and can fully dwell in their perfect story as well.
I keep a list of those longing families, and try to lift them up in prayer daily. I'm humbled by our story, and am so grateful for God's timing.